Fisk Out of Water

One of my best and worst personality traits is my enthusiasm. After a long time apart, an old friend once joked, “Be careful with her, she may pee on the rug”, comparing me to an excited puppy upon my greeting of him.

I admit my enthusiasm can be endearing, but the opposite side of the coin is that I can get so wrapped up in a daydream of the possibility of something I may do, that I go on an entire PR campaign about my exciting news, and then the dream will crash before it’s ever born. This has happened several times, and it’s quite embarrassing. So, Amanda, how was your trip to Germany? How’s that beauty blog coming out? How’s that movie you produced? Are you a famous actress yet? Thousands of million dollar ideas never played out. I’m such a good list maker – I know exactly how to get the job done, but I end up overwhelming myself into inaction. If I only had a personal assistant to see the ideas through, I would have been a billionaire and traveled the world 10 times over by now. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Well my road to disappointment is blueprinted perfectly. I just forgot to hire the crew.

This has been worrying me more that anything about this trip. That I will go on and on and on and it will never happen.  I needed something to hold me accountable. Something tangible that would remind me that this time, it’s not just a daydream. I will NOT procrastinate this time. I will NOT build fantasies in my head that will never be lived out. I NEED TO DO THIS.

So I bought the tickets. Sean didn’t have the money to put up for it yet, but I couldn’t wait for him. I told him he can pay me back when he gets it. I don’t care. I had to do it. It’s six months in advance, and I don’t know if the whole world will be destroyed by nuclear attack or if there will even be airports in New York or Stockholm, but I bought the tickets. I’m hoping by taking this small action step that it will forever cure me of my daydreams and lead me to a life of action. Of doing rather than saying. Of completing rather than contemplating.

This trip is a big deal for me – I’ve never done anything like this, and there are so many unanswered questions. I’m very A Type and I need finality. I need to know the answer to every How, What, When and Where.  “How can I put my whole life on hold?” “What will I do when I get there?” “When will I find time to plan this?” “Where will I get the money???” It seems like a lot of fun, planning a big trip, but I’m periodically catching myself checking my heart beat for palpitations.

What am I talking about? I’m totally lying. How soon I forget – I actually HAVE done something like this before and it forever changed my life. I moved to New York. Remember the bright eyed bushy tailed girl? I moved here on three months notice with $350 in bank. No job, no friends… I found an apartment online two weeks before I got here, not even knowing what my roommate looked like. (She could have been a serial killer!!!) When people hear that story, they tell me how brave I was. I don’t think I was brave. I think I was having a moment of I-don’t-know-what, I must have been crazy to jump in like that! But I did, and somehow it all worked out, I guess. I can definitely say I had a ton of fun and met a bazillion interesting people, some of whom changed my life forever, some of whom I never wish to see again. And I’ve had hundreds of random spontaneous experiences that can only be explained by the magic of New York.

And yet New York is starting to tire me? It’s not New York, it’s me. It really is time to get some new stimuli. I think I’ve made the case that this list maker and super planner can never make it happen, so I guess the only thing left to do is what scares me the most. Jump.